Amelie: The Therapist
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC. Thanks to Myrnin, Amelie is now the resident therapist in Morganville. Just what happens? /parody.


**AN:** Crackfic. I don't own anything. Besides the idea, of course.

* * *

Myrnin is bored.

Generally, things begin when Myrnin is bored, and today is no exception.

Normally, his extremely insane (and, often, dangerous – when you remember his mission to have Oliver fall in love with twelve year olds, you know that's the case) plans are directed at Oliver, but after Oliver sided with _him_ against Amelie in some plan to reduce the amount of money Myrnin spends on toilets every year, he's decided that Oliver can have a break.

No, today is all about Amelie.

"So, you want me to help you piss Amelie off so much that she'll probably end up being so mad that she'll either rip my head off, or kill me straight away?" Claire confirms with her boss, wondering if he's actually this crazy, or if there's a chance that he's just messing with her.

"That's exactly right, Claire," he replies, far too brightly. "And just think about this – you get paid _overtime_ for doing it."

Ever since Claire became addicted to throwing expensive vases at the wall for no reason – they make a better sound than the 50cent ones, apparently – she's needed more and more disposable income. This could be her perfect chance…

"Three hundred dollars per hour, and not a cent less, or I'll tell Amelie that you're planning something," Claire threatens, and Myrnin merely nods.

"Only if you carry this through perfectly, and allow me to record all of the conversation with Amelie," he counters, and after thinking this through, Claire agrees. "Very well, you shall go in first, at twelve pm, and then make sure that you vacate through the back door…" he begins to outline the plan to Claire, but because she knows exactly what's going on, she doesn't feel the need to listen.

Everything'll go like clockwork, anyway; it's a _Myrnin_ plan, and they're scarily accurate when it regards pranking.

_~x~_

"Either you are here to request a transfer to MIT, or you have to inform me of something _else_ your boyfriend has done, and you want me to fix before the rest of the town finds out; which one is it?" Amelie asks as soon as Claire enters the room, her tone bored.

"Neither," Claire replies confidently, striding forwards and taking a seat in front of Amelie as though she owns the place. "I wanted to have a nice little chat with you, Ammy, about _guys_ and love and such," she continues, thinking of the money, money, _money_ in order to prevent herself laughing out loud.

Amelie is stunned by this. Her facial expressions show it, as well as the way that she splutters, "are you…are you feeling quite alright, Claire?"

"I'm fine and dandy!" Claire replies brightly, wondering for a minute where dandy came from, but carrying on regardless. "The question is: are _you_ alright? I mean, I know you're quite good at the whole 'I don't miss Sam at all' front thing you like to rock, but I know you do _really_, don't you?"

"That is none of your business!" Amelie then snaps, before sighing. "Why are you asking me these questions, did…did Myrnin—?" she begins to get precariously close to the truth – something Myrnin told her to avoid – so Claire takes this as her cue to leave.

"I just wanted to make sure that you weren't hogging Sam's heart for fifty years and then be like, 'oh yeah, he isn't very interesting' now he's dead," Claire says hastily, realising that she's only been in the office for a few minutes. "And I can see that you do – I can see the tears, Amelie; you're trying to hide them, but you can't do it well enough. Let it out. It's always better to let it out than to destroy yourself. Well, gotta go, see ya!"

Running from the room, Claire decides that she'll tell Myrnin she worked for fifteen hours, by sending the girls through into the office in an orderly manner, when in fact, she's spending money she doesn't yet have.

LIFE.

_~x~_

Next into the office is Amelie's favourite thirteen year old, Elsie Springer, someone who seems far more innocent than she actually is. She's a paid employee of Myrnin, as he's used her many a time to plant evidence in Oliver's office for his schemes to work out better, and yet Amelie only sees an angel.

"Hello, Elsie," Amelie is polite as the girl enters, wiping away traces of tears. "What can I do for you today?"

"_Well_, I had a question and I didn't want to ask my dad about it, and nobody else really likes me, so…" Also a requirement of being an employee of Myrnin – one has to lie, and Elsie can do this _very_ well.

"You may ask me then, little one, though be careful that it isn't about things illegal in Morganville." Deciding to lay down the law, Amelie replies.

"Um…well…what's a period?" Elsie asks, just the right amount of innocence in her voice, and as she looks at Amelie, she notices the vampire's face colouring. "Is that against the rules?"

Amelie is, once again, stunned into silence. "Well…Elsie, I'm not the best person to ask this question to," she tries to stall and avoid the question, but the look Elsie levels her off with soon stops this particular line of thought. "In the simplest of terms, a period is…a time which occurs every month when…when a lady loses the chance to have a child, until the following month…and there is a…certain…uh…blood loss…" she tries to explain, very, _very _awkwardly.

Elsie begins to cry. "You mean…you mean _I've killed a baby?"_ she wails, beginning to bang her head against Amelie's expensive desk. "And I'm killing a baby _now_?"

"Well, yes." Amelie isn't the most tactful in her response, yet doesn't move to stop Elsie as she begins to throw things around the room. "Elsie…are you…are you killing a baby _now_?"

"Yes!" Elsie yells, standing up to reveal the patch on the chair. "YOU NEVER SAID THAT I WOULD SEE THE BABY!" she screeches, before running out the room, crying.

Outside the building, Myrnin hands her fifty seven dollars, plus VAT, and gives her a bag containing new clothes – all of which are from Topshop.

_~x~_

The hours pass, and Amelie's office is filled with reams of snivelling girls, all of whom leave the office either crying, or screaming that they want to destroy Amelie and anyone else who gets in their way – and Amelie isn't happy. Part of her wants to cry, because everyone is bringing up something that hurts her, but the rest of her wants to throw every girl in Morganville _out_ of it, because they're irritating her.

She's getting:

"But _I_ love Colin, not Maddie, so why can't _I_ have him?"

"My parents are insisting that I dump Freddie, just because I have to get good _grades_. But I don't _care_. He's my true love – we're going to get _married_!"

"I get so angry at my time of the month, and then I start shouting at people, and then I caused someone to kill themselves, and I feel a bit guilty sometimes."

"Danny told me he _loves_ me. So why did I find him snogging a vampire girl?"

And so on…and on… and on, until it reaches the point where Amelie's head is about to explode.

Not literally – that'd be creepy.

"Maybe you should tell him how you feel," she snaps at Alice, a girl who seems to think that just because she's slightly obsessed with cats, the boy she adores won't go out with her. "Maybe you can save yourself the heartache of watching him try and live his life without you, because you're too scared—" she cuts off, breaking into a huge fit of sobbing, because she can't take what she's done to Sam.

"I LOVE YOU, SAM, AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HERE TO HEAR ME SAY IT!" she screeches at the ceiling, thankfully her head quite close to where one of Myrnin's secret cameras is located, and he zooms it in from his secret hide out (the lab) to show the snot forming on her nose.

Then she jumps up from her chair and stands on the table, scaring poor Alice, who runs out of the building, barely stopping to get the thirty dollars from Oliver. Oliver had dropped by the lab earlier, so Myrnin cut him into the plan, gaining the silence from Oliver and him to pay the rest of the girls – Myrnin's bank balance is in the red – in exchange for Oliver getting a copy of the DVD Myrnin makes.

Well, Claire makes, in exchange for another five hundred dollars.

Stupidly, the next girl decides to enter the room, all prepared to rant about how her little sister broke her Barbie dolls, how her crush is in love with another girl (dating for, shock horror, _five_ days) and how she can't afford to look like Monica Morrell, so her life is over.

Instead, she finds herself being dragged into Amelie's arms, the woman screaming, "I never had a baby. But I wanted one. So you can be my baby, Olivia. You are my child. You are _mine_, and you're never leaving."

And so Olivia gets to hear the entire story about how Amelie loved Sam, still loves him, and how she wishes she had changed her life, all the while Olivia hoping that she's getting paid for this.

_~x~_

Three hours later, Amelie falls asleep, exhausted from crying and not putting on a mask of "I'm ok." Olivia played Olly Murs' song, I'm OK, to try and help Amelie, and it worked, by putting her to sleep.

Within another thirty minutes, a copy of Amelie's eventful day has been spread around every house in Morganville, and Oliver has it on repeat in Common Grounds.

Everyone is HAPPY!

_~x~_

The next day, Amelie finds out.

"DID YOU DO THIS?" she yells at Claire and Myrnin – she's in a yelling mood, alright? She deserves it after yesterday's therapy session – who shake their heads.

"It was Oliver." Myrnin sounds so convincing, that Amelie believes him.

So, despite Oliver protesting his (true) innocence, he is carted off to jail, and Amelie sits in her room and cries like a little girl, because she wants a baby and a husband and everything.

But nobody will ever forget her explanation of a period.

* * *

**AN2:** I'd appreciate it if you didn't favourite/read without reviewing

Vicky


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